Issued by the Unified Earth Government, Office of Cosmic Silence

CLASSIFIED — Read, Memorize, Incinerate

(Do not incinerate yourself.)

Following the Cascade Incident, the Yarrow Misunderstanding and what is now formally called The Cake Problem, these protocols have been aggressively revised. Read carefully. Your late predecessors did not.

What should I do when I first make sensor contact with an alien?

Nothing. All unknown alien lifeforms are extremely dangerous, and death is the usual First Contact result — for the human. Most personnel therefore prefer attending the Second Contact proceedings.

What if they attempt contact?

Suddenly remember you have an important appointment on the other side of the Galaxy. Do not answer. You are a rock. If you must answer, say “I am a rock.”

What if they insist?

Ask them to state the nature of their emergency. If no emergency, put them on HOLD.

What if they ask my origin?

“It’s complicated.” “Around.” Never name a location you would like to keep. You are from nowhere. Continue this trend. Geography is a vulnerability. Wave in a vague direction and mumble, “Over thereabouts …”

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What if they act friendly?

Friendliness is a hunting strategy. Your cat is friendly. The alien’s dead bird on the doorstep will be you.

What if they want to exchange knowledge/technology?

Do not listen to your Engineers. They will say it would be cool. It isn’t.

What if they seem interested in me?

The first alien species we ever contacted bred by laying eggs in your chest. Bring protection. Flamethrowers are kept in Storage B12.

What if they take a long time to respond/don’t respond at all?

Make sure your will is in order.

What if they respond instantly?

Nothing good responds instantly. Delay your reply. Aim for disinterest, not malfunction. You are busy doing nothing elsewhere. Maintain that illusion.

What if I accidentally reveal too much?

You will. That’s how we lost Star Base 2.

Should I be myself?

No. You are, if a member of the Core, body count. Be a version that could belong anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

What if they say “we should do this again sometime”?

They will not define ‘this’. Do not ask. Undefined ‘this’ cannot be repeated and cannot be tracked. Leave it unresolved. Agree but do not fix a specific date. Do not, under any excuse, use the word ‘date’.

What if they offer me food or drink?

Decline. Do not swallow alien embryos. They taste of regret.

What if someone returns from space and seems … different?

Quarantine. Two weeks minimum. Do not assume the thing wearing their face remembers your birthday.

What if the alien asks to come aboard?

No. Ask about their breathing requirements. Then say, “Oh, sorry, we don’t breathe that,” and change the subject immediately. Do not revisit the topic.

What if the alien says it’s the last of its kind?

They are always the last of their kind. The last of its kind has a lot of free time and a lot of anger. Do not become its hobby.

What if I panic?

You will. Internalize it. You have practice. Panic is normal. Displaying it is optional and discouraged. Don’t be a target.

How do I know if it went well?

You are still breathing and they do not know where the rest of us are. That is considered a success under current guidelines. Survival is the only metric.